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38 THE Q&A: RANDI RHODES
Talk radio's foremost progressive voice speaks out on her up-and-down career, tumult at Air America and saving democracy.
Interview by Bruce David and Ted Newsom
41 HOWL'S KITCHEN
Spicy spoof of reality TV's foul-mouthed cook.
Comic strip by Noel Anderson
44 EDDIE VAN HALEN
Exclusive interview with the guitar god.
by Music Editor Keith Valcourt
56 UFO'S ARE REAL - NOW WHAT?
Astronauts go on the record with what they've seen and what they know.
Article by Jeff Thill
59 THE $2,000-AN-HOUR WOMAN
NYC's priciest call girl recounts an eventful night on the town with Eliot Spitzer's femme fatale.
Article by Natalie McLennan
64 BEHIND THE SCENES: THIS AIN'T GILLIGAN'S ISLAND XXX!
A sitcom writer is marooned on an uncharted XXX-movie set with seven horny castaways!
Rehind-the-scenes report by Mort Nathan
78 DEMOCRACY REGAINED - FOR NOW
Obama won thanks to activists who stopped the GOP from pulling off another White House heist.
Article by Bob Fitrakis and Harvey Wasserman
3 SEX PARODY
7 PUBLISHER'S STATEMENT
What Obama Must Say
by Larry Flynt
8 TECH KNOW
Essential gadgets, plus iPig speaker giveaway!
10 GAME ON
Puzzles, Afro-Samurais III and beast-riding beauties
11 ROBERT SCHEER
The Siren Song of Greed
13 NAT HENTOFF
Preserving Our Rights & Correcting the Wrongs
15 ALEX BENNETT
Documenting the Documentarians
Farewell to Bush's BS and hello to a hot First Lady
18 POLITICAL PARODY
Controversial Cuddle & Coo
19 ASSHOLE OF THE MONTH
21 BITS & PIECES
Hayden Panettiere gets dicked, flashy snowboards and Bucky's April Fools' pranks
36 HOT LETTERS
Show and tell
37 CLASSIC CARTOONS
Humorous hijinks from HUSTLER's vault
62 THE GIRLS OF MYSPACE
Adventurous Janessa Jordan
81 TAILS OF THE BUNNYRANCH
Making an old man happy at all costs!
by XXX star Sunny Lane
83 COUGARS UNLEASHED
Midwestern late bloomer Nicole Scott.
by Ericka Rachelle
96 HUSTLER HUMOR
Don't read these jokes while eating—unless your buddy Heimlich is around
100 SIGHTS & SOUNDS
Metal rules! Motorhead madman Lemmy and Ratt's Stephen Pearcy
104 MOVIE MAMMARIES
The women of Weeds: Mary Louise Parker & Elizabeth Perkins
106 FAMOUS FLESH
Nipple-pa-looza: Lindsay Lohan, Kate Moss 'n' Keira Knightley
118 REAL COLLEGE GIRLS
120 COLLEGE REPORT
Spring Break tips: How and where to get laid!
121 EROTIC ENTERTAINMENT
Sitcum heaven: Teagan tarts up the Not the Bradys sequel, and Otto & Audrey show you why Everybody Loves Lucy!
139 BEAVER HUNT LIN
WHAT OBAMA MUST SAY
President Barack Obama, please feel free to appropriate any portion of the following pronouncement: "My fellow Americans, I have instructed the attorney general to immediately launch an in-depth investigation into any crimes that may have been committed by my predecessor George W. Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney and others within the previous administration. This investigation—which will be thorough, open and forthright—is not being conducted with malice, nor does it stem from any misguided notion of partisan retribution. Rather, its sole purpose is to protect the rule of law and the Constitution of the United States of America. Let it be known by one and all that, in this country, no person, organization, business entity or political party is above the law. A failure to investigate illegal activities orchestrated in the Bush White House—a decision to look the other way—would in and of itself be a crime against the American people."
You know this is so, Mr. President. Now act like it is.
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